The BEST and the BEAST (PART 1)

What was the best and what was the darkest thing you found out about yourself?

Ok, I’ll go first.
The Best thing is how I found myself beyond the “that’s impossible”. Being on my own for so long with kids. Supercharging the business. And taking time to yourself (!!) and handling the worries, making it special and fun:
From the disco ball in the living room for little dance parties to the movie projector in my bedroom where we snuggle with popcorn and my blackout curtains. Carpet picnics are my daughter’s fav especially when there are chocolate biccies involved and I found just how much I enjoy my close time together.

The darkest thing I found about me was the frequent encounter with my Beast. When you outsource kids to school and you do have space to refresh, reflect and rejuvenate and things are going well, you tend to meet that part of yourself less. But when there is no space, no time, no help, pure overwhelm, exhaustion chased by overwhelm closely followed by resistance, then the not so magical gates to anger and rage flood open and The Beast enters and takes over the stage.

I want to say I’m not proud because the amount of shame and guilt that follows her performance are bitter pills to either swallow or spit out…

But I’ve also learned that I enjoy being angry and there is pleasure in the pain we cause to others and ourselves and that is what we call the dark side.

The dark side…that is easier to point out in others than it is feeling in yourself especially when you have expectations and identifications of yourself as “good”. I am not attached to being that good unless we are talking being a good mother, then it turns out I am quite attached to the label of good all the way up to “amazing mother”. And flying into rage in my world is excluded from that definition.

Part 2 tomorrow!